And the timing's never right
by obedientlittlevictor
Summary: But for now let's get away. Forgiveness takes time, but some things may be beyond forgiveness.
1. Chapter 1

**September 2017**

Deeks looks the same, physically. His blond hair is a shorter, cleaner cut. His beard is trimmed and his eyes are just as alarmingly, entrancingly blue as the last time she met them before her world went straight to hell. His charcoal gray dress slacks are tailored to fit him perfectly, skimming over polished black shoes, a matching suit jacket straight against his broad chest.

Kensi knows the second she opens the door, he's carrying. A knife and two guns, one on his right hip and one on his left ankle. She knows this instinctively about him, but even if she didn't, the cut of his suit jacket is just a bit too tight to hide the unnaturally solid press of metal and the gait of his left foot is almost imperceptibly different. But she'd been in the business to notice those almost imperceptible details. Her life used to depend on it.

She can't place it exactly, but he looks older. Maybe not physically, but he has an energy of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders and the overwhelming urge to throw it all off and flee. He's never been a runner, though. Or at least, not that she knew before.

"Just make this easy on both of us. Get dressed and come with me," Deeks requests as he steps through the threshold of her front door. She doesn't exactly invite him in, but she steps back in equal parts wonderment and curiosity. He seizes the opportunity like he always does, always has.

Kensi turns her back to him and strides confidently towards the single bookshelf in the living room. There's nothing cluttering the floors, no memories hanging on the walls. It looks the same as the day she moved in: pleasantly decorated with nothing outwardly personalized. She pulls down a Bible from the shelf, and, in a move that would impress even Hetty, she drops the book to reveal a Glock 26 from its carved pages, leveling it at Deeks' heart.

He doesn't anticipate that move, clearly, because his right hand is only just now moving to his hip holster, too late, too slow. He doubts he would have time to take his sidearm out, cock it, and even attempt to aim, all before Kensi gets a shot off. She's been out of the game for two years now, but he knows better than to underestimate her.

"California has the Castle Doctrine. You know what that is, right, counselor?" Kensi's tone is mocking, vicious. Of course he knows what the Castle Doctrine is, and the gun pointed at him doesn't erase his memory of the law.

"Do you have _reasonable fear of imminent peril of death_?" He recites verbatim from the California Penal Code. "You definitely don't right now, because my hands are empty and you've got the gun. What about _reason to believe that an unlawful or forcible entry occurred_? Nope, because you opened the door to let me in. Nothing unlawful or forcible about that."

"You need to go." Her voice shakes but her hands are still steady, the weight of the Glock familiar in her hands like the lyrics to an old favorite song. "I don't know why you did what you did. Hell, I don't even know what you've done. What I do know is that I don't want you in my life."

"Right now, I'm not asking you. I am _telling_ you that you need to come with me," Deeks corrects sternly. He jams his hands in the pockets of his dress slacks because he has nothing else to do with them and it's not like he can disarm Kensi from across the room anyway.

Kensi adjusts her grip on the gun minutely, flexing her fingers around the grip, shifting her hips to get a more even stance. Her bare feet are chilly against the hardwood floor and her legs feel impossibly bare even in her running shorts. Deeks' eyes on her aren't helping with anything.

"You're right. You don't know shit about what these years have done to me. For fuck's sake, Kensi, I never wanted you to get tangled up in any of this. I made my choices. I either have to live with them or die with them, and I really, _really_ want to live. With or without the consequences, I've always wanted to live. I never knew how much I wanted to live until I met you," Deeks finsihes his words quieter, more reverent.

Kensi snorts out a laugh and it sounds deranged. Furious. Hurt, more than anything else. "Then that makes what you did even more ironic. I wish you would have stayed dead."

"I don't think you mean that. Kensi, don't make me do this. Please," Deeks whispers and his tone is begging, pleading with her for something she can't quite grasp. He looks so broken in that moment. The deepest, darkest part of her subconscious revels in it gleefully.

"The only thing I'm making you do is get out of my house."

He breaks eye contact first and she takes that as a victory. Kensi realizes later that her actions are premature, but she returns her gun to the concealed spot on her bookshelf before striding towards her front door and his body blocking it.

She feels more than hears Deeks sigh, deep and pained. If this had been two years ago, she would have tried to make that agony go away. But it's not, and that much is obvious when Deeks clears his throat and uses his most professional federal agent voice in his announcement to her.

"Kensi Blye, you're under arrest for obstruction of a federal criminal investigation."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Title is Halsey's Roman Holiday. This will be a multi-chapter fic. Reviews are greatly appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**December 2015**

Talia is shivering something fierce when Deeks enters the viewing room, a lush room with calming beige wall paint and a nice leather couch. The room she's occupying, though, is bleak gray cement walls and dirty floors and _holy fuck_ this is how she's been living. The stark contrast between the white bandage on the left side of her exposed torso and the bright red blood blossoming through it nearly brings him to his knees. It doesn't take a doctor to realize she's going into shock from the wound.

There are a dozen other women in the room, if he could even call them women. The youngest has to still be a teenager. As fucking disturbing as that fact is, the tiny waif of a girl with faded track marks on her arms isn't what keeps his attention.

It's Kensi.

His Kensi, curled protectively around Talia's shaking body and it's a testament to just how strong she is when she stares forward at the glass with fire and hatred in her eyes. His stomach turns and he hopes he can keep down his dinner. Marty Deeks wants to whisk her out of there, out of this hell, take her in his arms and promise to never let go, never again because if this is the result of being separated–

Max Gentry doesn't give a fuck, though. He spits out a laugh at the sight of the terrified women instead. He realizes the glass separating the rooms must be a double sided mirror to keep the _buyers_ hidden.

"What the fuck's wrong with that one?" Max juts his chin out at Talia. _It's the cover_ , he tells himself, has been telling himself for years. A cover that brings out the worst parts of humanity that he has to offer. No, not humanity. Everything that is lacking in humanity. The dark shadow that follows him around, taunting him and reminding himself just how far down he can fall. Just how far down he's _willing_ to fall.

The guard that escorted Deeks in laughs a deep belly laugh. _Fucking psychopath_. "Bitch fell on a bullet."

Deeks laughs along with him because that's something Max would find funny. Who doesn't love when women get hurt?

"How'd that happen? Can't imagine the bitch next to her holdin' a gun," Deeks drawls, tone bored and eyes inquisitive. But he can, and he remembers the tightness of Kensi's grip on her gun, forearms flexed, poised and deadly on the last operation they worked together. Every op they have worked together. It might as well have been a different lifetime.

"Tried to make a fucking run for it with her sister or whatever," the guard snorts. "Cut that one down with a little .22 and the other one went down with her."

Kensi tried to escape. Kensi tried to escape and Talia got shot for their trouble. Deeks swallows hard. Everything that could have gone wrong with this operation already has gone wrong.

"Just a fucking graze. That little bitch got it infected. Probably gonna die."

It takes a moment for Deeks to realize he's talking about Talia. Talia, dying. How easily it could have been Kensi. He hates himself for it, but he sends a prayer to some largely uncaring god that it wasn't Kensi, bleeding out and shaking in obvious agony.

"Ha, no shit. You ain't no fuckin' hospital," Deeks agrees. "But, damn, do they got nice racks on 'em or what?"

The door to the viewing room opens to reveal the brilliant mastermind behind the entire human trafficking operation, Santiago Rinaldo. They took his gun at the checkpoint just before they crossed the border into Mexico, but Deeks has no doubt that he can kill the skinny man with his bare hands. He imagines strangling out the life out of Rinaldo, the pleasure he would get from seeing the light leave his eyes and the feel of his last desperate breath beneath his palms.

Max Gentry wouldn't harm a supplier, though, and Deeks has to remember why he's here. It's not to kill Rinaldo, no matter how much he wants to. It's to gather intel on the operation and to pull Kensi out. _That's right_ , he thinks, _Kensi is the priority._ He hates himself for it, but he knows without a shadow of a doubt that if he has to choose, he's leaving Talia.

How fucked up can he get before he's no longer human?

"Mr. Gentry," Rinaldo greets and extends his hand in a sign of a mutual business arrangement. That's what this is, a fucking business transaction between two disgusting humans.

"Mr. Rinaldo, you got one hell of an operation here," Deeks compliments and crosses his arms to keep from driving his fist into Rinaldo's smug, smiling face.

"Gracias. I'm quite proud of keeping the family tradition alive. Now, see anything you like? With the amount of capital you're bringing to the table, you can even take one for a test drive if you'd like," Rinaldo offers. _What a gracious host_.

Deeks keeps his eyes firmly on Kensi, wishing he could get close to her. If he just saw her eyes, he would know how she is. But that's idiotic, he knows damn well how she's doing. Under the surefire strength, he knows that there's nothing but fear.

His pause must be taking too long because the guard cuts in and answers for him. "Been eyeing the attempted escapees."

"I like my girls with a bit of fire in 'em," Deeks responds and isn't that the fucking truth. "And sisters too. Woo, did their parents know how to breed 'em. Gotta admit, I ain't lookin' forward to that other one's medical bills, but what's a few antibiotics for a bitch like that?"

Rinaldo rounds the room and cocks his head, beady eyes trying to peer into Deeks' soul. Deeks wonders if he even has a soul anymore.

"No."

It's a simple enough rejection, no flare, no finesse. Deeks balks inside, but Max glares. He's not a man who hears rejection often. "What the fuck do you mean _no_?"

"I mean the injured one is not for sale," Rinaldo explains, still staring with accusatory curiosity. "She will be put down shortly."

Deeks' heart is pounding and he isn't sure he can hear words properly anymore.

 _Worst case scenario,_ Callen had told him back in the bullpen without making eye contact, _get Kensi. We can figure out the rest later._

This is a worst case scenario. And he's getting Kensi.

"I'm offerin' to pay full price for something that's obviously broken," Deeks snaps. Wrong move, because Rinaldo shuts down. His facial expression holds nothing but contempt. Rinaldo is known for his short temper, and Deeks should have remembered that.

Fuck Deeks and his emotions. They should have sent Callen in. For what is far from the first time in his career, Deeks thinks he's not cut out for this undercover operation. He's too close.

"And I'm rejecting your offer," Rinaldo's voice is cool and calculating and Deeks has to take a deep breath and remember to keep his cover.

"Whatever," Deeks snorts as if he doesn't care, because why would he? Max is saving money as a businessman. "I want the other sister then. The non-defective bitch."

Rinaldo smiles and Deeks thinks of making him choke on his shattered teeth.

* * *

Kensi knows it the moment that she sees Deeks that Talia is going to die. There's no other way around it.


	3. Chapter 3

Even a few weeks ago, Kensi would have protested even the idea that Deeks was better than her at undercover work. After all, she's Kickass Kensi and she can handle anything thrown her way with grace and excellence. She's damn good at keeping a cover and making her unsuspecting marks believe her.

But the Marty Deeks that walks through that door to her godforsaken hell puts any thoughts of her undercover superiority to rest. It's not even Deeks that saunters in, a sick smile firmly plastered on his face and his eyes wide with hunger. He's all Max Gentry, dark aura emanating from every pore of his being.

He's never looked at her like that, all raw power and instinctual sadism. In all their time together, both as partners and lovers, he's never looked at her like property. But that's what his gaze indicates and she wishes she never had to see this side of him. Undercover or not, it's unnerving just how well he plays his part.

"Look at you, pretty girl," Deeks practically purrs, stepping closer to Kensi and Talia on the threadbare mattress they've been sharing for the past three long, nightmarish weeks. "We're going to have so much fun together, you know that?"

Kensi wants to vomit at the syrupy sweet tone of his voice, hatred underlying, something she's never heard before, even on the worst covers they've held. It's too real, all of this is suddenly too real.

Talia is as good as dead, and the way she leans into Kensi's side and squeezes her hand pleadingly, they both know it.

Rinaldo stands behind Deeks and gestures for one of the guards to grab Kensi. Deeks holds out his arm to stop the man.

"No need to scare her. She on drugs?" Deeks asks, a false attempt at a soothing lilt playing on his words.

"Nah, she's clean," Rinaldo answers, something like pride in his voice. "Slap them around the first few days and they learn their place fast. Or, I suppose, maybe not in their case."

"Good. I hate when they're drug sloppy," Deeks grunts and kneels down next to Kensi. His hand reaches out to brush back a curl and she reacts on instinct— she slaps his hand away and spits in his face.

The guard covers the span of the room in seconds, large stomps of footsteps that send the other girls scurrying to the corners of the room. Deeks just laughs and waves the man away, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"Don't worry, I've had my fair share of fighters. They all break in the end," Deeks murmurs, more to Kensi than Rinaldo or the guard. She wishes that she could take it a some sort of comfort, that Deeks is assuring her that Rinaldo will be brought to justice. The dark, apathetic look in his blue eyes implies a different story.

He's fucking _good_ at undercover.

"You're going to stand up and come with me now, okay?" Deeks asks but there's no doubt that it's a demand. Kensi rubs Talia's shoulder one more time before pushing herself to her knees then her feet. "'Atta girl."

Deeks' smile faulters for the briefest of seconds, or maybe Kensi just imagines it, because that's something that the good Deeks would say, her partner in more than one ways Deeks.

Deeks takes her elbow in a show of possession and his grip is so hard that she's certain it will leave bruises. He jerks her forward ahead of him, marching them out the door.

"Now where's that room I can test drive the merchandise in?" Deeks' laugh is haughty and it takes a moment for Kensi's brain to catch up with his meaning.

"No!"

The scream that tears from her throat is not faked. It's a genuine plea for mercy and she realizes that she's suddenly struggling against Deeks' strong, broad chest, legs flailing in the air and desperately trying to find some footing to kick off of.

"No! Stop!"

It's not like she has anywhere to run, but fight or flight instinct is kicking in, and the way Deeks slams her face first against the cement column in the hall, fight isn't an option. Flight clearly isn't either when she feels the metal cuffs pinning her wrists behind her back.

In all of her training, she should automatically know how to escape this position, how to fight with just her legs until she can pop out of the cuffs. It devastates her to the core because she's too weak to fight back. Half starved, dehydrated out of her mind, even her feeble attempts to struggle are nothing against Deeks' strength. She used to admire that about him, but right now, it makes her sick.

Rinaldo makes a grand gesture to a room down the hall, and Kensi dry heaves as she's forced to walk.

She's never been in there before, but the men don't bother to keep their grunts quiet and the muffled screams of the girls in time with those noises don't leave much for the imagination. All the girls know what that room is.

It's where they leave their hopes for freedom.

Rinaldo opens the door and lavishly sweeps his arm around the room by way of introduction. Deeks nods a thanks and throws Kensi on the single bed in the center of the room. She remembers a similar movement in a hotel a lifetime ago. There's no humor or jest in this movement, though. No Nell to come waltzing in the room and interrupt their happy moment.

Kensi briefly wonders if her happy moments have all ended.

Deeks follows her down, crushing her body further into the bed, her shoulders protesting the position of her cuffed hands. She feels his breath against her cheek and his slight hardness against the back of her thighs causes another sob to escape her throat.

"Settle down, pretty thing. This will be much better for both of us if you just let it happen," Deeks hisses loud enough for Rinaldo to hear.

She can't get her breathing quite right and everything sounds like there's cotton in her ears and _holy shit_ what is wrong with her heart.

There's a commotion around her and then she's pulled back to her feet. A blurry Deeks is standing in front of her and that doesn't help, his presence has lost any semblance of the calm she used to feel around him. He's saying something to her but none of the words make it to her conscious mind, nothing but _screaming screaming desperate screaming_ and _please shut up._

Kensi's jaw is locked and it's only a split second after she realizes that she's the one screaming that Deeks backhands her across the face so hard that she topples to the floor as if she weighed nothing.

Her left cheek stings and her vision is blurry, but normal noises start to return through her ears. She's shaking and sobbing and none of this is an act.

Deeks just hit her. Hard. Across her face.

No hesitation.

Deeks grips her by the throat, right under her jaw, and slams her against the cement wall.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up," he orders and Kensi is too stunned to do much else besides close her eyes and beg her body not to make another sound. "The fucking bitch with a bullet wouldn't pull this shit."

Rinaldo says something but Kensi isn't paying attention anymore. The world has fallen away except for the calloused hand around her neck, once so familiar, so gentle. His hand drops and she stumbles in an attempt to stay upright.

"Fuck it, I'll just take the bitch in back to LA."

Kensi opens her eyes, flinching back when she sees Deeks. In all of the horrors that she's had to endure on this operation, the most fucking terrifying of them all is the lack of emotion on Deeks' face.

She doesn't even recognize him anymore. Marty Deeks, her Deeks, is gone, and the monster in his place is Max Gentry.

"Let's go, whore."


	4. Chapter 4

"How about you say bye to your sister, mm?" Deeks asks tauntingly when Kensi steadies herself against the wall, Max Gentry's signature cocky smirk twitching at his lips. Kensi sniffles and nods obediently, eyes cast downwards. Rinaldo shoots Deeks a glare, but he just laughs. "Come on, I'm no monster. Let the bitch get her goodbye. And take off those fucking cuffs. She's got nowhere to run."

Rinaldo reluctantly does as Deeks requests and leads them back to the room where Talia is now curled onto her uninjured side, clutching at the wound that is clearly still bleeding through the already-sopping red bandage. Kensi kneels down next to her and brushes her hair back. Talia opens her eyes, glazed and pained, when Kensi leans down to whisper something to her. Talia is either too far gone to react or she's simply accepted her fate. Kensi presses a kiss to Talia's temple and stands. She squares her shoulders and takes a deep breath.

Deeks stares at Kensi trying to keep herself together and it takes every ounce of effort in his body to keep his cover. This fucked up, disturbed disaster of a cover. The back of his hand burns from where it connected with Kensi's cheek. It's hardly the first time he's hit someone, hell, not even the first time he's hit a woman– no, that _Max Gentry_ has hit a woman.

He's seen it in every other memory from his childhood too, a stronger man slapping around a weaker woman. Kensi isn't his mom and he isn't his father, but the similarities are there just the same.

But there's a solid difference here. He loves Kensi. He loves her more than he loves his own life, and he would have taken her place in a second if only he could have. There's nothing quite like hitting your partner, your best friend, the love of your life. Trying to hold back enough that she doesn't get too injured–physically, anyway– but still hard enough that it looks convincing enough for a man who doesn't care about a whore he's buying.

No justifications matter now, because Kensi's face is still red and it's not just from her tears. The tears he caused too. _Fuck_ , this operation might just tear him apart.

"Okay, got your goodbye. Let's go," Deeks barks out. He's disgusted with himself but it's almost over. All of this is almost over and he just needs to make it back across the border with Kensi, his beautiful, strong Kensi. He wonders if she will ever forgive him.

Probably not. And that's fine, because he turns his back to Talia and stalks out of the complex with Kensi in front of him, and he knows he will never forgive himself.

The drive back to the other side of that dirt poor town in Mexico is uneventful. They're crossing the border at a secure checkpoint where Rinaldo's either paid off or threatened all of the border crossing guards to get his _merchandise_ through. The driver will take Deeks to the States and leave him and his new purchase in the same parking garage where Deeks left his beat-up cover truck. Deeks will drive back to Max's apartment, some dingy cover place in a shitty part of LA, where Callen and Sam will be waiting with a doctor for Kensi.

Then they will figure it out from there. The intel they'd gotten from the DEA was that Rinaldo's operational headquarters rotated every few purchases, randomly. Sometimes it was after five girls were sold, sometimes only after one. Deeks doesn't know how many had been sold in the three weeks that Kensi and Talia had been held there, but it doesn't take a genius to realize a rotation would be coming up soon.

Kensi doesn't make eye contact with anyone, just curls in on herself in the back seat of the SUV next to Deeks. Her shoulders are shaking in time with her silent sobs, but she knows better than to make a noise around Rinaldo's men again. The driver pulls up next to Max's truck and Deeks nods his thanks. He pulls Kensi out from his side, the only unlocked door, and shoves her into the front seat of his truck roughly.

To keep up appearances, he tells himself, but he wonders if Kensi would have tried to make a break for Rinaldo's building, to Talia, if she could.

Deeks starts on the long road back to LA and when he is certain he's not being followed, he pulls over to the shoulder, gravel rocking the trucks wheels. It takes a second for him to realize that the hiss he heard is from Kensi and she's clutching her ribs. They must have thrown her around worse than he thought. Not that he could've seen the wound, thankful that she was at least wearing clothes, a dirty tank top and cotton shorts.

"Kensi," Deeks starts and it trips out of his mouth in a pained whimper. He reaches for her and he should have realized that would be a stupid move, because she jerks away from him so violently that she slams against her side of the car door. His hand finds its way to the steering wheel again and he grips it until his knuckles turn white and his joints ache.

"Drive," Kensi orders with what sounds like all the fortitude that she could muster. It isn't much.

He doesn't know what he would have said anyway. Sorry you got caught up in this? Sorry this operation went so far south that you were kidnapped and almost sold into sex slavery? Sorry that I hit you? Sorry that you watched Talia get shot and sorry for forcing you to leave her behind?

Words couldn't do him justice anyway, so he just throws the truck in gear and pulls back onto the freeway. It might have been a minute or an hour, but he finds the parking lot of the shitty apartment complex that Max Gentry lives in and cuts the engine. He turns to Kensi to say something, anything, and– Nothing. He's got nothing to say to her.

"There's a doctor upstairs. Sam and Callen are there," Deeks offers and that's the best he could come up with. Strict pragmatic, mission-oriented directives. She doesn't move, back straight against the seat and tears dripping down her cheeks. "Kens..."

Kensi takes a shuddering breath, but keeps her eyes straight forward. She opens the door as he jumps out and makes his way around the hood of the truck in time to remember that she's barefoot. The gravel-coated parking lot doesn't deter her from putting one foot in front of the other toward the entrance of the building. He leads her to the elevator, third floor, apartment 3305.

Deeks pulls the key from his right front pocket and forces it through the sticky keyhole. She stands to his side, arms wrapped around herself as if trying to physically hold herself together. He wants nothing more to reach over and wrap her in his arms, but that won't work. Not now, and maybe not ever. They just need to focus on getting through the next few hours so Kensi can recover. Physically and, eventually, emotionally.

What she says next is so quiet that he wishes he hadn't heard it. But he does and he's felt less pain from bullets tearing through his body.

"I wish you would have left me there to die."


	5. Chapter 5

Deeks doesn't have a chance to respond to her confession before the door to the apartment whips open and reveals a teary-eyed Nell. She barely spares him a glance in her search for Kensi, who steps forward into her outstretched arms right inside the threshold.

"I had to make sure you were okay. I had to see it with my own eyes," Nell murmurs against Kensi's shoulder. She pulls back when Kensi's breath hitches in pain at the movement of her ribs.

Kensi just nods in return. There's not much assurance she can offer Nell. She's alive, yes, but nothing about her seems okay. Her entire demeanor is something almost unrecognizable: shoulders slumped forward in utter dejection, blank stare in her glassy eyes. Nell has never seen her like this, but Deeks has had that misfortune.

Fuck if it's not Afghanistan all over again, except Kensi can't and won't look him in the eyes this time around. The similarities between now and Afghanistan terrify him and prance around his head mercilessly. She left Jack then and she left Talia now. At least then, she had known that Jack may have had a decent future. The same assurance couldn't be given about Talia. There's no hope that she'll step into his arms and let him comfort her.

Sam and Callen emerge from the kitchen with the woman Deeks assumes is the doctor. She doesn't look like one, what with her ripped black jeans, black motorcycle boots, and red plaid shirt, unbuttoned to reveal a black tank top. Her gold hoop earrings shine through her thick black twists, pulled halfway back and knotted behind her head. He wonders if she's ever been a fed as he realizes her priority was blending in to the neighborhood. A white coat would have stuck out.

They don't get a chance to even open their mouths with an introduction before the woman crosses the room and reaches for Kensi's hand. She stops short of it, though, and Kensi moves the last few inches instinctively, searching for any comfort that another human can provide. Anyone besides Deeks.

"Kensi," the woman starts, her voice soft but solid beneath it. "I'm Angela."

Kensi nods politely, on full autopilot and not quite meeting her eyes. She doesn't say anything else, just leads Kensi reverently to the small bedroom on the other side of the apartment. Kensi cringes away from the bed, and Angela guides Kensi to the stiff wooden chair at the desk in the corner instead. Deeks doesn't remember his feet moving, but he's jolted back to reality in the center of the bedroom at a command.

"Clear the room, gentlemen," the doctor orders and Nell takes a seat next to Kensi. Deeks shoots Angela a glare before looking to Callen for approval at the directive. Callen nods his head towards the kitchen.

Callen stares at Kensi and murmurs, "You're in good hands."

Kensi doesn't acknowledge his words, her blank gaze fixed straight ahead of her.

"Glad you're back, Kens," Sam adds, his voice gruff with emotions he hasn't felt in a long time. Not long enough, though.

Sam puts his hand on Deeks' shoulder and presses until he turns around and walks to the round, beat-up kitchen table. Callen closes the door and turns to face them. The resounding silence between the three men threaten to suffocate Deeks and he can't help but feel like a complete and utter failure for only returning with one woman.

"Dr. Raney knows what she's doing, Deeks," Callen starts. "Psychiatrist too. Specializes in PTSD in veterans. If anyone can get Kensi through this, it's Angela Raney."

Deeks wants to protest that some strange doctor shouldn't be the one helping Kensi through this shit, that it should be him, but he remembers exactly how little love Kensi's eyes held for him. It's his fault that she was even taken. He hates himself more than Kensi ever could, no matter how much she deserves to hate him.

Callen's a damn good leader in his own, and he can recognize that Deeks doesn't want to talk about Kensi like this. PTSD and Kensi in the same conversation can't go well.

"Tell us everything about Rinaldo's complex," Callen demands instead. They have no jurisdiction in Mexico, not under normal circumstances, but they've all been known to bypass normal circumstances to get the operation done. And this operation needed to end.

"Security out the ass," Deeks snorts because if he had it his way, he would have taken out every single man there, but his fighting skills couldn't compare to the 30 guys, minimum, that he identified. "At least 30 guards, heavily armed. Highly trained. Looked ex-military. They have at least a dozen girls still there, including Agent Del Campo."

Callen closes his eyes at Talia's professional title and forces a breath through his mouth. She is his friend too, and this whole thing turned into something worse than any of them could have imagined.

"Were you able to find any evidence of the drugs or weapons while you were there?" Sam asks. That's how this whole shit show started, trying to find nuclear weapons that their Mexican smuggler Santiago Rinaldo moved. The DEA took their course when they received intel that Rinaldo brought in kilos of heroin and cocaine through Mexico.

Deeks swallows hard and tries to clear his mind of the image of Talia bleeding out on an old mattress.

"Talia was shot," he chokes out instead of answering Sam's question. He leans his back against the kitchen wall and closes his eyes as he drops his head back. "She and Kensi tried to escape and she was shot. The wound looked fresh but it was bleeding too much. She was going into shock."

Sam and Callen exchange knowing looks. They've seen their fair share of gunshot wounds and once the shock hits, medical attention is a prayer at best.

"Evidence, Deeks," Sam prompts instead, trying to keep him focused on the present.

"Just the girls."

The men stand in silence, each in their respective corners of the room. They can hear a couple fighting in the apartment above, something shattering against the floor and a solid object colliding with another. Through the thin walls, Kensi's whimper of pain resonates and they all clench their jaws.

Callen clears his throat and gestures at the laptop on the counter to Deeks' left. "Deeks, you need to update Hetty. Nell has a secure line set on her laptop."

"What else is there to say, Callen?" Deeks snaps and slams his fist down on the counter. "We needed a team and Hetty wouldn't do shit for that! The DEA won't give us manpower and Hetty is too fucking tangled up in the political game to send us more resources."

Sam shakes his head, but they know it's the truth. Their leader had been taking the side of politicians far too often lately. They all suspect that the $800,000 cash to buy Kensi could have been Hetty's own funds from god only knows where. But putting together a task force to retrieve Talia would have crossed too many inter-agency boundaries and pissed off a foreign government.

"Then what do you suggest?" Sam is the first to break the heated silence. When Deeks meets his eyes, he knows Deeks already has a plan.

"What Seal buddies do you have ready to go in? Military contractors, guys looking to make some extra cash, whatever. It doesn't matter the cost. I'll take out a second mortgage for this." Deek runs a hand through his hair and gives a pleading look to Callen. "The CIA is authorized to operate in Mexico, Callen. Domestic terrorism, we're looking for nukes. Come on, man, anyone you can call."

Callen looks away. He can't bear to see the desperation that hovers around Deeks like a black cloud. "The CIA hasn't been brought in on this operation and the approval will take ages."

"Fuck the paperwork. I'll take the heat on this, Callen, but I've got to get Talia back," Deeks knows he's begging and he will grovel on his knees for a team to go back to Rinaldo's complex.

Fuck the operation, fuck the nuclear weapons, fuck the drugs. Deeks needs to get Talia back. If he's being honest with himself, it's not for Talia's own sake. He is disgusted with himself, but he knows that he's doing this for Kensi. He'd go to the ends of the earth for her, and he has, and if she needs Talia back safe to forgive him, then fuck everything else.

He's going to do it.


End file.
